The orchard diary of Useless

A “family” tree has three varieties grafted onto one trunk. My family is one eraser and a pencil sharpener who won’t speak to me. Same idea, smaller crop. RHS: Choosing apple cultivars

Bees fly 3 to 4 kilometres, but the RHS wants partner trees within 18 metres. I can travel about 18 centimetres, if the desk is tilted. RHS: Fruit pollination

Triploid apples make mainly sterile pollen, so they need two friends. I also need two friends: one to find me, one to stop the other one using me on a felt-tip. RHS: Fruit pollination

‘Ellison’s Orange’ tastes strongly of aniseed. I taste strongly of pencil. Nobody has asked, but I wanted it on the record. National Fruit Collection: Ellison's Orange

The RHS says there’s no need for pruning paint on apple trees. I say there’s no need for paint on erasers. Someone did it anyway. I am now partly blue. RHS: Pruning apples made easy

Grey-green crust on the branches is lichen, and it does the tree no harm. Grey crust on me is pencil lead. Also no harm. Mostly. RHS: Pruning apples made easy

Apples in store should be kept away from onions and paint. I keep away from onions and paint too. Also from rulers. Long story. RHS: Storing fruit

Pips from Newton’s apple tree went to the International Space Station in 2015 and came back in 2016. I went into a pencil case in 2015. I am still in it. National Trust: Things to do at Woolsthorpe Manor

In the June drop, a tree sheds some young fruit all by itself. I shed small bits of myself every time someone makes a mistake. I call it the Maths drop. RHS: How to grow apples

A ripe apple comes away with a gentle twist. I come away with a gentle twist too, usually from the end of a pencil. RHS: How to grow apples

A stepover is an apple tree trained so low you can step over it. I have been stepped over all my life. Where is my award? RHS: Stepover training

‘Discovery’ can’t be stored, so you eat it straight away. Very sensible. I also can’t be stored: I get lost at the back of the drawer. RHS: Choosing apple cultivars

Thin out the “king” fruit in the middle of each cluster. I was once king of the pencil case. Then someone found a better rubber. RHS: Thinning fruit

Earwigs can cut aphid numbers on fruit trees, and the RHS suggests a flower pot of hay for them to live in. I would also like a flower pot of hay. I have asked. RHS: Woolly aphid

Apple Day is 21 October. Eraser Day is not a thing, and I’ve checked with everyone who’d listen. One pencil. It said no. Common Ground: Apple Day

Prune too hard and the tree throws up “watershoots”. I was rubbed too hard once and threw up crumbs. Similar story. RHS: Pruning apples made easy